I want my mess, to be God’s message.
It’s filled been a year with many trials, seemingly one after another, right along with many life lessons learned.
It all began in February….
My spirit was shattered, like ice cycles falling from winter’s grip. A friendship of thirty years disintegrated into the abyss. It had been a long time coming. Boastful, hurtful, words were spoken that cut to the core. Apologies that should have been spoken, fell silent, and what was, was no more.
The closing of one chapter also brought about the closing of another, as we learned we would be moving. This move hit our finances hard and the impact of this move is still being felt months later. Boxes of memories remain packed in closets, due to my heart that is unwilling to open up and make room for more.
After the move, my precious Mother who was diagnosed with dementia, began to change. She saw those who had died years ago, walking around her house. Figments of her failing memory, from generations passed, haunted her waking hours.
Our family knew it was time. Time to move her into a place that was safe for her, a new place that she would call home. We looked at numerous places until we found just the right one.
It was a Saturday in April. A day that would change everything. My brother and sister-in-law picked up my Mother and took her to breakfast and to visit a friend. My husband and I had 3 hours to get into her house and gather everything she would need to make her new place feel like home. Clothes, pictures, furniture, Bibles and more were loaded into the van as we drove to her new place. We hurriedly hung her pictures, her curtains, put her clothes away and set her Bible on her night stand and waited……
As she walked in the door, she wondered where she was, I held her hand all the way to her room and explained to her this was her new home. I told that she would be living here now, in a place where she could be taken care of and loved. She wanted nothing to do with it, and the anger and confusion burned deep in her eyes.
As I got ready to leave, she looked at me and said, “If you leave me here, I won’t love you anymore.” My heart broke and my eyes filled with tears, as I left her and my brother behind. I had enough, the flood gates opened to all the emotions that had been locked away and I cried and cried because the Mom I knew was slowly slipping away.
Soon after she was settled, the unthinkable happened. The care taker at her home called and said we needed to get my Mother into the hospital because she was having internal bleeding. We raced to the hospital, out of fear for loosing the life of our precious Mother.
The night in the hospital was long. Many tests were done. My Mother begged me to stay, because she said she was afraid to be alone. So, I stayed and tried to comfort her weary mind. One day turned into four, and test after test showed no concrete answers, but blood levels that had returned to stable and she was released to go home.
The summer came and with finances being short, we decided to go down to being a one car family. Something that is doable, but makes me fill very isolated as I sit inside my house being unable to go anywhere, as my husband goes off to work to provide for his family.
As August turned the corner, I received a call text that no wife wants to receive. In my husband’s text, he told me he had fainted and had to go in the ambulance to the emergency room. WHAT!? I immediately called him, to have him tell me in a rush that he couldn’t talk and had to go. The phone went silent and my heart stopped…
Please join me tomorrow, {for more of my story and to learn about God’s hand through it all}, as I share, My Mess, God’s Message – Part 2.
All for Him,
Linking to:
Winsome Wednesday
Soli Deo Gloria
Woman to Woman Word Filled Wednesday
Even though I knew all of these things, my heart still hurts with you. I love that you are determined to make the mess His message. Praying for you and always here for you dear sister.
Thank you friend!