Today I am honored to introduce you to our guest blogger, Alyssa Santos. Alyssa has a unique writing style that I love. She’ll make you think, challenge you to grow, and draw you closer to the Lord in her writings. Her post today will help you gain a knew perspective on how you can continue to leave a godly legacy for your children. When your done reading this beautiful piece, please take a moment to stop by and visit her blog, Alyssa Santos – Rocks.Roots.Wings.
She first climbed out of her crib at 9 months of age. She landed with a thunk on the nursery floor that brought us her parents, new and a bit intense, running to her aid.
We found her up and into the basket of toys that hailed her attention in the morning light, unhurt by her awkward tumble to the floor. She got to where she wanted and she was happy.
This fierce independence has long been a driving factor in her life.
My first born! That I survived her was proof that I could handle any child.
When my daughter was first exploring the house and falling on edges of furniture and corners of walls, she wore battle scars between ruffled bloomers and lacy socks. By her first birthday, she could climb chain-link fences and wrangle herself free from the car seat straps, unlock and open the car door.
Before she turned four, she announced that I had to teach her to read, “I need to read, ” she declared with the force of the hurricane that was her independent spirit. She stomped her tiny mary-jane shoe on the floor and set her lips for firm affect. Reading was a skill she had to acquire. She looks nothing like me, but in that moment, I saw myself in her.
When she was two-years-old, I found a wooden step stool at a yard sale. I presented it to her hoping to reduce the number of times each day I’d find her climbing onto the counters. She rarely asked for a drink, she liked getting it for herself, even at great risk to her health.
I gave her the world with that step stool. She carried it around the house, up and down the stairs, into every room with a cupboard or a shelf to test the new freedom that six vertical inches afforded her.
I gave her the golden ticket to freedom and she loved her step stool (yes, she told me that at bedtime).
That step stool taught me a vital lesson in motherhood.
When faced with the independent nature of my children, I have a choice. I can reign them in and hold fast to the tethers I hold as a parent. I can fear the worst or at least the array of what-ifs. I can fear rejection, I can distract this energy that drives them away from my arms and into the world that can hurt them and worse. I can misunderstand the desire for autonomy, read it as rebellion, a character flaw to be mashed and molded into something I can accept and control.
Or, I can give them step stool.
There is a great risk to fostering independence. It is a frightening proposal to consider how far self-reliance might take them. Inviting willful pluck seems counter-intuitive. It certainty isn’t the safe or predictable route. After all, if they are impelled by independence toward something beyond their ability to manage, perhaps they’ll get hurt, so why do I encourage it?
1. Parenting isn’t parent-centric of child-centric. Parenting in my view, is first of all is about God, and then society. Ironically, independent, spirited people can and do learn to be tremendously dependent on God and productive members of society. When and independent (read: strong-willed, spirited, hard-to-discipline) child learns that God created them as unique persons, then they can better accept that he knows and loves them and that life is best experienced in surrender to his love. If they learn at a young age that there is more to be discovered in the bosom of relationships, then the tenaciously spirited can learn to cooperate in society rather than escape from or control other people–they will be emotionally healthy people engaged in healthy relationships.
2. If you choose, like me, to pass out step stools toward independence you will discover that you must do so trusting God to protect and guide his children. Step stools come in many forms and it will challenge your faith to give them away. You must apply yourself to prayer and submission to God’s word, and in doing so, allow him to create character, integrity and faith in you.
3. Your kids will see your faith. They will respect it, and just like the words on the page that at one time looked like a jumble or the cup on the shelf our of reach, they will look at you to show them the best way. Because one thing is true of strong-spirited people: they respect those who demonstrate courage and faith and who persevere in the face of great odds, and they want to be those people.
If you have an independent child, might I encourage you to look for ways to engage in this process with them? If you have a timid child, born shy (I have one of those, too) look for ways to uncover and draw out their inner strengths. Your children will think and act outside your control as soon as humanly possible–this is unavoidable. When their desire for freedom no longer threatens you, then you can lead them toward a greater understanding of what a gift this trait truly is and you can celebrate their becoming teachable, learning to use this resoluteness as a means to seek God and serve others.
Bio: I love Jesus, my family, freedom, words, coffee, Ethiopia, and the scent of freshly turned earth in Spring…and on my blog, I write about all of that. I am constantly on the lookout for grace moments. God’s word is my truth. I work through the grace and the truth in my flawed and questioning way. I have known Jesus as my savior since I was a little girl, but his grace has renewed my life time and again. I can live with my past because I finally agreed with Jesus that it doesn’t affect my future. In 1991, I married the guy God picked out for me, because despite my efforts not to fall in love, I did, and awkward me flung into a swan dive and became completely submerged in it. Nearly 20 years after we were married, we sat stunned and unmoving on the side of a dark highway in our smashed van after a day at the lake with our four kids, hit by a drunk driver who failed to stop before he entered the roadway. Miracles flowed that night like sweet spring water, God met us and ministered to us through dozens of people that came alongside us during this catastrophe. God has saved me more times than I know. Like the psalmist says, “How great are your thoughts of me, God…too may for me to count” {Psalm 139}, I have learned truly that no sparrow falls that his eye doesn’t see.
Alyssa,
Thank you so much for guest posting today! I am honored to have you here. I loved your post, it made me think about parenting in a new way. I am the type of parent who would probably lean on the side of shielding my children from the bumps and bruises of life. But, when I am willing to give out the step stools, that’s when they can really grow and spread their wings and learn to be who God created them to be, not who I think they should be. Thank you for challenging us and helping us to see things in a new light.
Blessings Friend!